{Our "baby Jesus"}

I went to the doctor on Tuesday, December 13th for a regular appointment (22 weeks) and found out that our sweet baby boy had died. I was devastated but somehow felt prepared for that moment, and felt comfort as I got in my car and called Marcus. He was so excited we were having another boy, but for some reason had felt uneasy all day. I think he may have taken it even harder than I did. Marcus quickly finished 3 finals (neither of us slept after that), so that we could go to the hospital Wednesday afternoon and deliver our baby. I was very nervous and scared about the whole process, but we had an amazing experience. Everyone at the hospital was kind and sensitive, but not overwhelming and I felt an amazing amount of peace while we were there.

I delivered our baby at 3 am on Thursday, Dec. 15th. I wanted to name him Marcus Nelson Moeller, and Marcus didn't say anything, just cried when I told him. I never wanted to give one of our sons Marcus' full name, but I knew immediately after I learned of his death that this baby was more than good enough to carry his name.

While in the hospital we were so overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude for our knowledge of the plan of salvation and it gave us great comfort to know where our baby already was, and we imagined him sitting with our grandparents who have already passed on. We know that he is in good hands. We can only imagine how special our little boy is considering he will get to skip this earthly experience and return to the celestial kingdom where we will be with him someday. I look forward to raising him and being with him just as I am with my other children.

Our kids are doing pretty well. They were so excited for this baby and talked about him a lot. A few days after we found out this baby was a boy, Tate told us we should name him Jesus. Since then we laughed about it and let him have his way and tell people we are naming our baby "Baby Jesus". Once we found out the baby had died, and only a week and a half before Christmas, it seemed only fitting that Tate wanted to name him that. He obviously knew more than we did. When Marcus told the boys that our baby had died, Tate said, "Its okay, Dad, the baby is okay." We are so grateful for our young children and the insight they have given us during this time. They are really sweet and are mainly concerned about me, just like they have been my whole pregnancy.

Despite all of our good experiences, it is still really hard, something you can never imagine until you experience it yourself. We do feel a great sense of loss, but again find a lot of comfort knowing that we are a forever family. We really appreciate the nurses and workers that were placed in our way at the hospital. I do believe they were placed there. Every single one of them knew exactly what to say, or what not to say. We all cried together and couldn't help but cry

more when we said goodbye.

A sweet worker gave us 4 little bears, for the kids. When we showed them the bears, Tate especially, hugged his tenderly. We put Baby Marcus' bear in his little casket.

My SIL gave me this beautiful picture, which is exactly how I want to picture my little boy. Marcus always talks about him and hopes he is being taken care of. He wanted to be the one taking care of him so badly. So this is the next best thing.

We buried Baby Marcus on Monday, December 19th. Marcus' Dad said an opening prayer and we all sang I Am A Child of God. Marcus then dedicated the grave and shared his testimony with us. Jacob started to cry. It was sweet and simple and the spirit testified to us that we will be a family again someday and that Baby Marcus is happy. The kids each picked a balloon to send to Baby Marcus and we all watched for as long as we could as they floated up to the sky.

On Christmas Eve, we bought a small Christmas Tree and placed in on Baby Marcus' grave. On that day we were happy. Happy to be together and to be celebrating an amazing day with our son and brother, no matter how small a celebration it was. Christmas had extra meaning for us, having just lost our son. Miraculously I had all but finished my holiday preparations prior to his death, and now know that wasn't just by chance. I thought we would just be sad celebrating, and we definitely had a different feeling, but it wasn't sadness. Our lives had been forever changed and we seemed to hold our beautiful children a little longer, and listen to everything they said, and let their every smile soak into our souls. It wasn't sadness, but a new found happiness.

I later read this quote and knew exactly what they meant. “The happiest, sweetest, tenderest homes are not those where there has been no sorrow, but those which have been overshadowed with grief, and where Christ’s comfort was accepted. The very memory of the sorrow is a gentle benediction that broods ever over the household, like the silence that comes after prayer.”

James R. Miller

We try to talk about him as much as we can. Marcus and I both struggle with not wanting to forget him, but we aren't sure how to remember him considering the few memories we have. But the kids love to talk about him, and we do too. It is like the Plan of Salvation playing a real role in our lives. What better way for them to learn, and I know they will always have this experience in their hearts.

Jacob and Tate seem very aware of what happened, and talk about it very matter of factly. I found out that Tate had told his teachers long before I ever worked up the courage to do so. But Maizie had just recently concluded that there indeed was a baby in my belly, despite how long we had been telling her. She didn't say anything about it until a few weeks after he died. She was laying by me on the couch and she rubbed my belly saying "baby". I looked at her and said, "No, the baby died." She looked at me and said, "Oh, baby all gone." Then looked at Marcus and said, "Baby all gone." And that was it. It almost makes me greatfull that they are too young (except for Jacob) to deal with the emotional side of having a baby die.

A dear friend told me that one day I would look back on this experience and wish I could do it again. I wondered how I could ever WANT to go through this again. But I later realized that I was on a spiritual high the weeks following Baby Marcus' death. The only thing Marcus and I could do was rely on our Heavenly Father and then each other for comfort. During that first week especially it was hard to wake up in the morning and remember what had happened. I knew the only way I would make it through the day was if I knelt down and prayed for help. And it was hard but I made it through each day. Some were better than others, but I did it and know that I could do it again with my Heavenly Father's guidance and comfort. I am greatful for the empathy that I now have for others and their loss. It is truly something you can never know until you've experienced your own.

I won't ever forget the amazing experiences we've had during this time and the spirit we have felt guide us the whole way. Another dear friend felt prompted to sing a hymn to us. It happened to be on a day that we were really struggling and needed answers and wanted comfort. He sang,

Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately.
Reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.
Gentle, the peace He finds

For my beseeching.
Constant He is, and kind.
Love without end.

That is all we needed to hear, and what continues to carry us through this challenging time.